If the world was all rainbows and unicorns…

I am shallow.  So very shallow.  I know, it’s hard to believe.  I’ve gone through so much crap in my lifetime I could fertilize the whole freakin’ world.  Twice.

I desperately want to have a shopping addiction.  Not the kind where you go out and buy more than you have money in your pocket for.  I’m not sure I could ever go to such lengths as that.  I get nauseous from buying stupid things like makeup cause I can’t help but think about how this kid needs this or the boyfriend wants that.  It’s a curse.  Like a disease.  My wardrobe fits in 5 small drawers in our bedroom.  Wardrobe meaning everything from undergarments and socks to dress clothes.  Dave’s wardrobe takes up an entire walk-in closet and 7 drawers in the dressers in our room.  I have 4 pairs of shoes; a pair of heels, a pair of sneakers, a pair of flats and a pair of flip-flops.

I also want to paint again.  I want to buy canvas and stretcher bars and do the whole thing start to finish like I used to.  I want to feel artistic and speak with a french accent and act all crazy artist person.  This would be a pretty expensive hobby considering my only hobby right now is blogging and that doesn’t cost me anything.

I would love to have complete strangers, preferably men although I don’t think I’d say no to a really hot chick, to come up to me and ask to have dirty nasty stranger sex in a public restroom.  I want to feel undeniably sexy.  I want to be that girl in the perfect jeans and the cute little sexy top and the little jacket that walks into a place in her super sexy heels and everyone just stops and stares.  Then she smiles and the absolute brightness and perfectness of her causes the heavens to open up and angels to sing.  Yeah, I wanna be that chick.

I want to be allowed to be mad when I get really mad.  Not just the “oh man you kinda pissed me off there bud” mad.  I want to get all crazy white woman ninja gonna chop off your balls mad and then be told I’m gorgeous, handed a gallon of the most chocolatey chocolate ice cream and then have him disappear in torment for 20 minutes.  After that he can come back and we can have wondrous, long, sensual make me happy again sex.  Followed by cuddling.  The good kind like in the movies where the girl falls asleep but the guy stays awake cause he’s all ” I can’t believe I just got laid by this woman.  She is so freakin’ amazing I don’t want to close my eyes”.

I want to laugh.  I haven’t done that in a VERY long time.  Not the kind of laugh that just touches your face.  That’s lame laughing.  I want the kind that makes you double over and get a charlie horse in your stomach cause you are laughing so damn hard.  Laughing so hard you cry and snot comes out of your nose and then you laugh because of the snot.  And when you’re done laughing you have that awkward unstoppable giggle/grunt thing going on.  And the person you’re laughing with starts laughing again because for one your face is covered in snot cause you were convulsing with laughter while trying to wipe it off and two because you sound like a donkey in heat.  And then you start the charlie horse laugh all over again.

I want to have friends.  All kinds of friends.  I have one at the moment but she’s not really a friend.  She calls and asks to bum a smoke once every 2-3 months and then is gone till she needs another smoke.  I want to tell our pet fish that our relationship is over and that I’ve found someone new.  Someone with legs and thumbs and that I can go into a store with without everyone looking all crazy at me.

Lastly I want to grow a pair of balls… Cause I think life would be a little less painful with them… seems to work for my boyfriend anyways.

In the beginning…

I’ve sat staring at this page for like 30 minutes arguing with myself about what the title of this post should be.  Somewhere in my brain one of my many personalities must think that there will be a resolution.  I think I chose the wrong personality to listen to because now I have a headache…

I’m a 31 year old housewife.  Ok, so I’m not technically married but if I were “housewife” would be my title.    I have a boyfriend (hence not being a house”wife”). He’s 33 going on 2 and they are so cute at that age aren’t they?  I think our relationship must have started at an amusement park.  We evidently decided to ride a roller coaster first and have forever been stuck… carnies are just plain mean!  Let me off already!!! (Note what I did here – I completely pushed any responsibility for my relationship on to a complete made up stranger.  I know, you’re in awe.)  He works hard for our family 12-14 hours a day usually 6 days a week.  He’s a hard worker I’ll give him that much… for now.

I have 3 children, who may or may not be referred to periodically as “the gremlins”.  Yes I love them, no I’m not sure if they are house trained yet.  My oldest at 12 years old is my son.  Although not diagnosed I am pretty sure I have bred a pathological liar.  For example: This morning I woke him up at 7:00 am on the dot as I do every morning.  At 7:05am he appeared in the living room to wait for his bus.  Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Did you even change your underwear this morning?

Him: Yes! OMG mom!  Really?

Me: Did you brush your teeth?

Him: Yes!  Stop asking me all these questions.  I’m not even awake yet mom.

He knows I have been sitting on the couch watching the bathroom door from the time I exited his room.  And yet he lies…  Yes children every parent is dumb.  I also have a daughter who is 9.  She’s a bubble of normalcy in our house.  Actually, I think she’s the only normal person in our whole family quite possibly.  Either that or she is criminally insane.  I mean who the hell wakes up with a smile on their face every day?  She hasn’t gotten her period yet though so I’m sure all that will change soon.  The youngest is 8 going on 31 and she’s a handful.  This is the child karma made me have to get back at me for how I treated my mother.  She can’t really help most of it since she has Asperger’s Syndrome.  She’s a stickler for the rules unless, of course, they apply to her.  Sometimes I think when she goes to school she’s playing her own version of Angry Birds in her head.  Her version, however, goes something like this:  She is freely able to move around unlike the slingshot and she flings anything (including birds if she could get a hold of one I’m sure).  Her targets?  Anyone within throwing range and sometimes people who are out of range but the mere action of throwing something at them brings about such drama (one of her major food sources) that she just can’t help herself not to try.

My days are spent cleaning house, watching reruns of Jersey Shore(wishing my boobs were still where they’re supposed to be) or HGTV( wishing my house looked half as good as the ones on tv do), drinking coffee, being addicted to Facebook and Word Feud and keeping a very close watch on my neighbors “goings on”( which is really just me being nosy about the Jone’s since we live in a pretty safe, i.e. boring, neighborhood, or arguing/conversing with myself about anything normal people would talk to other normal people about.  I leave the house about once a week, if that, to take the dreaded trip to the grocery store to over spend on a bunch of junk food we don’t need.

So, this is me.  I’m hoping to use this blog to blow off some steam and share my little world with a part of the big world.  I hope you enjoy my scramblings ( a mix of ramblings and scrambled venting).

Have to go for now… looks like there’s a tornado warning in Texas.  Which doesn’t effect me in Oklahoma but for a little excitement I think I’m going to hide in my closet and pretend 🙂